June is Men’s Mental Health Month, which puts the spotlight on the silent struggles many men face in South Africa. Beneath the surface of societal expectations, a mental health crisis is unfolding. In this article, we delve into why it’s so hard for men to speak up, from ingrained “boys don’t cry” messages to historical distrust. Learn to recognise the hidden signs in yourself and others, understand the link to violence, and discover practical ways to build real connections and seek support. It’s time to break the silence and to know it’s okay to not be okay.
For too long, the narrative around mental health has predominantly focused on women’s experiences. Yet, beneath the surface of societal expectations and stoicism, men are facing a silent crisis, particularly in South Africa.
“The focus on men is often on the cultural-societal expectations of being strong, being stoic, being the provider. This ingrained conditioning, coupled with a reluctance to appear weak, creates a significant barrier to help-seeking, making men more susceptible to the burgeoning pandemic of mental health challenges,” notes C.J. Nel from C.J. Nel Counselling, an HPCSA-registered councillor from Johannesburg.
The roots of this issue run deep, shaped by our culture and history. From a young age, boys are often steered towards “physical activity and a career, with limited emphasis on relationships, friendships, and building a healthy approach to life,” explains Nel. This is often reinforced by the ingrained societal message that “boys don’t cry,” discouraging emotional expression and vulnerability.
The result? A society where men feel they “can’t speak out when they’re struggling to cope. There is a perception that if they speak up, they will be seen as weak. This has become a major part of the prevailing challenge in terms of men’s mental health, because it instils a sense of shame, preventing them from seeking help.”
South Africa’s history adds another critical layer. Rapid societal changes, with women moving from traditional roles as homemakers and caregivers towards equality in all areas of life, haven’t been matched by adequate support for men to adjust emotionally. Furthermore, the historical association of mental health services with the oppressive apartheid regime has created deep distrust within many communities.
“Historically, mental health services in South Africa were not only perceived as primarily benefiting white men but were also used as tools of oppression and control against other population groups. This historical stigma is something that mental health practitioners across South Africa have been actively fighting against, because it significantly hinders men from reaching out,” Nel observes.
The hidden signs
It’s not always obvious when a man is going through a tough time. While some might display anger or frustration, often the signs are more subtle.
When men grapple with mental health challenges, a profound sense of isolation often takes hold, leading them to withdraw from friends and family. Instead of confronting their feelings directly, they may turn to substance abuse, become overly immersed in their work, or engage in a flurry of social activities to escape the discomfort of their own emotions.
Nel highlights the crucial link between our minds and bodies. Suppressed emotions don’t simply vanish; they can manifest as physical problems such as tight muscles, backache, headaches, indigestion, and a weakened immune system.
“This can affect our cognitive functions, making it difficult to concentrate, and impacting memory. Consequently, problem-solving becomes a struggle, and everything feels significantly more difficult. These aren’t just random aches and pains; they can be a vital signal that something deeper is going on,” Nel emphasises.
Other warning signs include neglecting responsibilities, persistent feelings of irritability, anxiety, worry, hopelessness, or sadness, and a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.
Nel underscores that men often lack the emotional vocabulary to accurately identify their own internal experiences. Because they are accustomed to suppressing or ignoring their feelings, they may struggle to recognise the true nature of a situation or the emotions it evokes within themselves.
Sometimes, a man might intuitively know something is wrong but fear that admitting it will exacerbate the situation or portray him as a failure.
The GBV link
The connection between unaddressed men’s mental health struggles and the concerning increase in gender-based violence in South Africa is undeniable.
Nel draws a parallel to a similar trend after World War 2, where the lack of coping skills, unaddressed trauma, and increased pressures on returning soldiers, coupled with women increasingly becoming breadwinners, contributed to a surge in gender-based violence.
In South Africa, the high unemployment rate fuels intense frustration and irritation for many men. Tragically, for some who lack healthy emotional outlets, these bottled-up feelings can erupt as violence. As Nel poignantly states, for some, “the way I’ve learned to deal with problems is I throw a fist, I fight.”
What Can We Do?
Creating supportive environments, both at work and in our personal lives, is fundamental to helping men acknowledge their struggles and seek help.
Change what “strong” means: We urgently need to redefine strength to include vulnerability and the courage to ask for help. “The traditional idea of strength as facing things entirely alone is unrealistic and damaging,” Nel remarks.
Help men understand their feelings: Encourage them to delve deeper than simply saying “I’m angry” and explore the underlying emotions, Nel suggests.
Practice empathetic listening: When a man does open up, listen without judgment and strive to understand his perspective. Nel advises using “I” statements and avoiding the word “but” in sentences to share concerns constructively without assigning blame.
Build real connections: Foster deep friendships where men feel genuinely safe to be vulnerable. As Nel highlights, these open connections create crucial safe spaces for genuine support and understanding, offering a positive alternative to dismissive responses like “you need a drink” by instead saying, “Let’s talk about it.”
Make help normal: Frame therapy and counselling as a proactive and positive step towards overall well-being, just like seeking medical attention for a physical ailment.
At Work:
Make it okay to talk: Actively demonstrate that mental health is a priority in the workplace, and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Make support accessible: Employee Wellness Programmes (EWPs) must be user-friendly and strictly confidential to effectively support men’s mental health and facilitate early intervention. As Nel highlights, men often delay seeking help until they reach a crisis, such as burnout, excessive drinking, or extreme demotivation. Well-designed EWPs can provide that vital early support, preventing escalation.
Educate everyone: Workshops, awareness campaigns, and training can empower men to understand their own psychological well-being and effectively recognise the signs of struggle in themselves and others.
A call to action
It’s time we truly recognised the unseen burden that men are carrying. By understanding the unique pressures they face, recognising the signs of struggle, and actively creating spaces where they feel safe and supported, we can empower them to reach out without fear.
As Men’s Mental Health Month in June serves as a vital reminder, let’s collectively break down the damaging stigma and cultivate a culture where men unequivocally know “it’s okay to not be okay,” and that seeking help is an act of courage, not a mark of weakness.