Being defensive is when your thinking becomes rigid. It’s not about protecting yourself from other people, but protecting yourself from experiencing uncomfortable feelings. A defensive reaction will temporarily block the underlying feeling that you don’t want to experience. It distorts your reality, causing you to spend more energy on self-preservation than on problem solving.

Defensiveness is always based on fear. If someone on your team is acting defensively, try to establish why he or she is feeling threatened so that you can help him or her work through the situation.

Signs of defensiveness at work

Loss of humour, wanting to be right, wanting the last word, endless explaining, deadly silence, sarcasm, making fun of others, blaming, sudden illness, confusion, eccentricity, being too nice, holding a grudge, or obsessive thinking are all signs of defensiveness.

People become defensive in different ways. One team member could react by being overly nice, seeming confused of becoming suddenly ill with a fast heartbeat and clammy skin. Another team member may come across as highly critical and think that he or she is so special that the rules don’t apply to him or her.

Dealing with defensiveness in others

    • When you see someone go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognise that it’s useless to argue with the person
    • Realise that the person is feeling very insecure at that time
    • Don’t continue to push him or her because he or she will only get worse
    • If the symptoms only occur when the person is under stress, pursue the discussion at another time
    • Remain self-confident and don’t allow yourself to be verbally abused
    • Help the person see how much their negative behaviour is damaging his or her career potential
    • Set goals for the person to learn to work better with others and monitor his or her behaviour until it improves.

Dealing with defensiveness in yourself

    • Recognise when you’re being defensive and that you’re probably not really being attacked
    • When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react immediately
    • Listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion
    • Ask people to re-state their question/comment/suggestion and repeat back what you think you heard. Ask for more time to respond, then get back to them. This will give you time to work with the question/comment/suggestion without the pressure of being on the spot
    • Consider that other people have ideas that are just as valid as yours are
    • Find someone who can help you work on this negative aspect of yourself; a good friend, co-worker, teacher or counsellor
    • Understand your own personality and your unique strengths and weaknesses.

The effort to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded as you find more career opportunities opening up for you.