“If you have learned how to disagree without being disagreeable, then you have discovered the secret of getting along — whether it be business, family relations, or life itself” (Bernard Meltzer, American Law Professor).

No two persons are exactly the same. Even in the closest and most loving of human relationships, there are often differences of opinion which can lead to conflict.

What causes conflict?

The following are examples of factors that can cause conflict in a relationship:

    • Change
    • Emotional abuse
    • Inability to ask for what you need
    • Inability to say no
    • Anger
    • Misunderstanding.

An inability to effectively deal with conflict may result in negative feelings, such as anxiety, depression and frustration, which can affect quality of life.

Learn how to fight fair

There is a big difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict in a relationship. Unhealthy conflict aims hostility at the dignity of the partner, with comments such as “You never do anything right”, while healthy conflict is focused on the issues that caused the unhappiness in the first place, for example: “It upsets me when you don’t tell me if you are going to be late for dinner.” The purpose here is to resolve the conflict.

When partners engage in angry combat, they often feel hurt and rejected by the other person, but when these battles are analysed objectively, it can be seen that neither side meant to wound the other. The pain results as a consequence of seeing things from different angles.

Healthy conflict resolution

A healthy style of conflict resolution aims for two winners through compromise and understanding. One researcher suggested the following simple rules for fair fighting – interesting enough, these rules are provided in the form of the acronym FIGHTS!:

    • Face each other, in other words, pay attention. Both partners need to participate. Tell your partner how you feel.
    • Ignore distractions. Focus on resolving only the problem at hand and avoid side issues.
    • Guard your tongue. Ridiculing and name-calling attacks your partner’s character and resolves nothing.
    • Hold the history. Bringing up history indicates to your partner that the past has not been forgiven or forgotten.
    • Touch. Hold hands. We are more willing to be reasonable and caring than to win at all costs when we hold hands.
    • Stay in there. Try to finish the fight before going to bed.

In addition to the above, it is important to remember the following:

    • Take responsibility for your actions. When you are done thinking about what your partner has done to you, try to look for your own contribution to the situation.
    • Don’t be too proud to apologise when you are at fault.
    • Maintain your sense of humour – don’t take things too seriously or personally.

Conflict resolution is a skill that takes time and practise to master. By allowing each other the opportunity to talk freely and listen genuinely without preconceived ideas, you will be able to resolve conflicts without causing long-term damages to your relationship. However, if serious issues stay unresolved, you and your partner should seek professional counselling.

Our Employee Wellbeing Programme (EAP) is available 24 hours a day if you want to know more about couple relationship and conflict resolution.