Some people think that if someone is going to kill him- or herself, there’s nothing you can do about it. The fact that the person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him or her wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent – part of him or her wants to live and part of him or her wants not so much death but the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another person “I feel suicidal”.
When a suicidal person turns to you, it is likely that he or she believes that you are caring and willing to protect his or her confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his or her talk, he or she is taking a positive step by confiding in you.
Always take it seriously when someone talks about committing suicide. Hearing this might make you feel overwhelmed or worried, especially if your friend is very upset or angry. However, by telling someone, he or she is reaching out for help.
Don’t assume it’s bluffing
Never assume that someone is just bluffing. That’s exactly the ultimate reason why many people end up killing themselves – people stopped listening to them. If no one helps them, they lose coping resources and have a much higher risk of killing themselves. Even if the threat to commit suicide is just an expression of depression, the persons still needs support.
There are a number of things you can do to support and help your friend if he or she threatens to commit suicide.
Don’t keep it secret
Your friend may ask you to keep it a secret or make you promise not to tell anyone about the suicidal feelings. However, secrets are inappropriate if they can lead to someone’s death. It is therefore important to tell someone who can help you and your friend. Your friend might get mad at you for telling – but it is better that he or she is upset than dead.
The situation puts a lot of pressure on you. So, the best thing to do is to talk to a professional counsellor from your EAP, a minister or pastor from your church, a teacher or a doctor.
Another option is to call Lifeline on 0861 322 322.
Encourage your friend to seek help
It’s important that your friend seeks help from an EAP counsellor, psychologist, youth worker, teacher or doctor, or the helpline mentioned above. These people are trained to help your friend move to a better, happier place. They won’t be angry at your friend or you for coming to them for help.
When your friend refuses to see someone, keep encouraging him or her to do so. It may help if you offer to go with your friend.
Offer your support
Let your friend know that you care. Spend time with him or her. Just knowing that somebody cares can be reassuring as he or she may feel very lonely otherwise. Offer your support and try to remain positive and encouraging.
Choose when to talk
Timing can be an important part of talking to someone. Unless there is an immediate risk of harming him- or herself, try to choose a time when you’re both relaxed. When talking to your friend during an aggressive or defensive moment you may end up getting a negative reaction that may distance your friend from you.
If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, try saying “I’m worried about you”, or “You told me the other day you felt like ending your life, do you still feel that way?”
Ask your friend to postpone the decision
You can try to convince your friend to postpone the decision to commit suicide. Distract your friend by watching a DVD, going to the movies together or playing a game. For the times when you’re not around, give your friend a list of things to do instead of contemplating suicide, for example phoning a friend, chatting online, doing some exercise, reading a book or listening to music.
Many people report that by postponing a decision to die they found that life did change for the better. With the support they needed they managed to move on to a better, happier life.
Thoughts don’t need to lead to action
Remind your friend that thoughts about taking his or her life are just thoughts. They do not mean that he or she has to act on them, no matter how overwhelming they are or how often they surface. They also don’t mean that he or she will always have those thoughts.
Get informed
It might be helpful to have a general knowledge of suicide and depression. You may then better understand what your friend is going through and what might help.
Our Employee Wellbeing Programme (EAP) is available 24 hours a day if you want to know more about helping a suicidal friend or if you are feeling suicidal yourself.