Have you ever dated a person that everyone disapproved of? Do you often find that family and friends are constantly saying things like: Leave him alone, You deserve better, or There is something about him that I don’t trust?

Women sometimes get caught in an abusive and violent relationship without realising or acknowledging it. Sometimes they know that something is wrong but don’t know how to describe it or how to get help.

Identify the problem

Check off all that applies to your partner:

Emotionally abusive – insults you, belittles you, embarrasses you, makes you feel irrelevant or worthless
Has violent mood swings
Controls your money, what you wear, who your friends are or where you go
Very jealous and possessive, wants to be with you even when you need time alone with your family and friends
Physically violent – hits, pushes, shoves, kicks, punches, pinches or slaps you
Threatens to hurt or kill you or himself
Threatens to hurt you, himself, your children, or loved ones if you leave.

Check off anything that describes you:

You are terrified of your mate
You are afraid your partner will explode at any given minute
You cannot share your views or express yourself
You change your whole life to prevent your partner from becoming angry
You find yourself so nervous around your partner that you get sick.

If you checked off two or more of these, you are most likely in an abusive relationship. Abuse, whether emotional or physical, is a serious matter, and if you find that you are in an abusive relationship, then it’s very important to get out.

10 steps to leaving your abuser

  1. Do not own the problem. Your first step in leaving an abuser is to realise you are not the cause of the abuse and that you deserve better. Believe in yourself – you will make it. It will be hard but you will feel so much better six months down the road.
  2. Find a safe place away from the house to keep essential documents that you will need to start a new life, including your ID, driver’s license, birth certificates, medical records, insurance policies, marriage certificates or divorce papers.
  3. If possible, get a post box and start sending all of your important mail there immediately.
  4. Take cash, credit cards and documents related to any bank accounts that are shared jointly. Remove your name from existing bank accounts and open up new accounts in your name as soon as possible. Keep in mind that during the course of the relationship, you contributed to the household and are entitled to using those joint funds to get out of an abusive situation.
  5. Get a simple cell phone with just the minimal minutes on it so that you have something to use if you get into a dangerous situation. Contact a local women’s shelter or police station. Some of these places take old cell phones and refurbish them to give to those who have a great need for one.
  6. Hide an extra set of keys to your car and house outside of your home. This way, if you need to make a run for it without your handbag you will be prepared.
  7. If taking medications, make sure to have plenty on hand. A month’s supply will allow you to see after your health while arranging your post-abuse life. Consider it one less detail you will have to address as you enter this new phase of living.
  8. Make preparations for housing. This may mean staying with friends or relatives, or even spending some time living in a safe house or women’s shelter. Find a place where you feel protected from any further abuse.
  9. Seek the support of legal counsel. The cost of a good lawyer will be well worth it, especially if you have children. Some lawyers take on pro bono divorce cases.
  10. Take advantage of counselling services offered by your Employee Wellbeing Programme (EAP) or make arrangements to get counselling from a trusted and qualified clergyman. Counselling will be an important step in the road to healing from the abuse.

Our Employee Wellbeing Programme (EAP) is available 24 hours a day if you think you are in an abusive relationship and want to talk about it.