We live in a society where gift-giving at Christmas or during the festive season seems synonymous with consumerism, but the psychology behind gift giving is far more complex than most people realise.
Gift-giving has long been a favourite subject for studies on human behaviour, with psychologists, anthropologists, economists and marketers discovering that giving gifts is an important part of human interaction. Psychologists agree that it is often the giver, rather than the recipient, who reaps the biggest psychological rewards from a gift.
We are also inclined to think that the best relationships have to be perfectly equal and balanced. After all, it is only fair. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, and everyone is happy, right? But a study conducted by a group of Finnish psychologists added to the concept that it is better to give than to receive by saying “particularly if you’re a woman”.
Their studies show that when women provide care and support for their loved ones, including doing mundane and romantic tasks like household chores and serving breakfast in bed, they produce the reproductive hormone, oytocin, which reduces feelings of stress and anxiety, lowers blood pressure and increases tolerance to pain. No equivalent response has yet been observed in men, but that doesn’t mean that men should not be the supporters in a relationship or that men aren’t capable of functioning as caregivers.
How men and women give gifts
In an article in Psychology Today, Lee Billings says that “women are much more moved by sentimental gifts, whereas men value the practicality and economics of a gift. In couples it is the woman who is more often responsible for the wrapping and selecting of gifts. Men also tend to report more ‘tactical motives’ when giving gifts than women.” But don’t be fooled, women are aware that men use these motives more often, and may not be as moved by that “fiscal foreplay” as men may think!
The no-gift-giver
Many people claim that they are going to opt-out of gift-giving altogether because they think that the holidays have been over commercialised or want to cut back on spending. However, psychologists say that banning the exchanging of gifts with loved ones is not the best solution as they may be missing out on an important connection with family and friends. People with strong intimate relationships tend to be happier and healthier, and giving a gift strengthens an existing bond between two individuals.
People who refuse gifts may also be compromising their own happiness. They could be cutting themselves off from important social cues by encouraging their social group to ignore them and their needs. By refusing gifts, they isolate themselves from their loved ones and weaken their relationship with others in their social circle. By not understanding the subtle and complex language of gift-giving, they could miss the opportunity to contemplate the worth of their relationships, as well as the opportunity to strengthen bonds and, of course, receive gifts themselves.
“That doesn’t do a service to the relationship“, according to Ellen J. Langer, a Harvard psychology professor. “If I don’t let you give me a gift, then I’m not encouraging you to think about me and think about things I like. I am preventing you from experiencing the joy of engaging in all those activities. You do people a disservice by not giving them the gift of giving.”