Drug addiction not only ruins the lives of addicts but also has a huge, mostly negative impact on the health, wellbeing and happiness of the members of their families and loved ones. Family members, just as much as the addict, need support and help in coping and surviving this devastating situation.

South African epidemic

In South Africa, this epidemic is bigger than the HIV scare and a whole generation of children may be lost, wrote one desperate mother with a drug addicted child. She added that our children are being exploited by drug dealers who get away with murder and she pleaded for help! However, not all addicts are children. Many a marriage has been destroyed and many children traumatised for life with an addicted father or mother.

Unfortunately, it is often the family members and loved ones who have to cope with the addict and his or her erratic life style, lying, cheating and even stealing. Here are some suggestions that may help:

Face the facts

The following letter, posted on the TOUGHLOVE® website, and written by an anonymous addict to his (her) family is a near perfectly overview of how addicts behave and the do’s and don’ts of dealing and coping with these problems:

    • I am a drug addict; I need help
    • Don’t allow me to lie and accept it for the truth, for in doing so you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but get at it.
    • Don’t let me outsmart you. This only teaches me to avoid responsibility and to lose respect for you at the same time.
    • Don’t let me exploit you or take advantage of you. In so doing you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.
    • Don’t lecture me, scold, moralise, praise, blame or argue with me when I am drugged or sober.
    • Don’t throw away my drugs. You may feel better but the situation will be worse.
    • Don’t accept my promises. This is just my method of postponing pain.
    • Don’t keep switching agreements. If an agreement has been made, stick to it.
    • Don’t lose your temper with me, it will only destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
    • Don’t allow your anxiety for me to compel you to do what I must do for myself.
    • Don’t cover up the consequences of my drugging. It reduces the crisis but perpetuates the illness.
    • Above all, don’t run away from reality as I do. Drugging, my illness, gets worse as my drugging continues. Start now to learn, to understand and to plan for my recovery. I need help from a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, recovered drug addict or God. I can’t help myself.
    • I hate myself but I love you. To do nothing is the worse choice you can make for me. Please help me.

Help for families and loved ones

The abovementioned letter pinpoints the three most common mistakes family members and loved ones make when trying to help the addict.

They are:

  1. Denial: denying the reality of your loved one’s addiction, ignoring it and doing nothing about it.
  2. Co-dependency: being overly involved in another person’s life and feeling unnecessarily guilty when not taking care of the other person’s needs.
  3. Enabling: defending, making excuses, covering the addict’s tracks or lying for them, etc. Addiction can’t exist without an enabling system, warns Lorelie Rozzano, former addict and author of Gracie’s secret, Jagged little edges and Jagged little lies.

Some suggestions to help you cope

    • Face the facts. “If we are ever to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality”, says Madeleine Visagie, mother of a recovered addict. That includes the reality of the situation (addiction) and the people (both addict and other family members) in our lives, as they are now.
    • Take responsibility for your own life and happiness and don’t let the addict’s behaviour dominate and sour every walking minute of your life and your relationship with other family members and friends.
    • Don’t take the blame. You did not cause your family member’s addiction, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it (the three c’s of “tough love”).
    • Discipline in love. Take control of your home environment, if the addict is staying with you, by making rules (agreements) and setting curfews and stick to them.
    • Do what you can and let the rest go. Read the Serenity Prayer.
    • Watch your finances and don’t let the addict bankrupt you. When addicts steal, refuse treatment or run away from rehab centres, etc. let them face (within reason) the consequences of their own behaviour. Research has shown that addicts will only seek help when the consequences of their abuse becomes greater than the rewards!
    • Seek help. There are many state-funded and private organisations such as SANCA (South African National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence), Narcotics Anonymous, TOUGHLOVE® and others that are ready to help and support you and your addict through this ordeal.
    • Above all; don’t give up hope.

Walking this journey with someone you love is not easy, says Visagie. “It takes courage, humility, wisdom and strength. It has moments of vulnerability and pain, but above all else it says much for the sheer survival spirit that we parents have within. Nobody can call us quitters!”

We agree!

 

Sources
I am a drug addict: I need help. Retrieved from: http://www.toughlove.org.za/
Rozzano, L. Jagged little edges. Retrieved from: http://jaggedlittleedges.com/2014/05/a-conversation-with-lorelie-rozzano-author-of-gracies-secret-jagged-little-edges-and-her-most-recent-novel-jagged-little-lies/
Visagie, M. 2008. It’s not about the addict: recovery for families dealing with addiction. Retrieved from: www.toughlove.org.za/articles
Visagie, M. 2012. Where did I go wrong? Retrieved from: http://www.toughlove.org.za/
South Africa,